Stephen’s Lifestyle Brand Gets Sexy


IT’S NO SECRET THAT I’M FASCINATED BY GWYNYTH PALTROW. NOT AS FASCINATED AS SHE IS, BUT
STILL. PRETTY FASCINATED. I ESPECIALLY LOVE HER LIFESTYLE
WEBSITE GOOP, YOUR NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR $5,000 JUICERS. AND THIS WEEK WAS HUGE FOR GOOP
HEADS LIKE ME BECAUSE GOOP JUST CAME OUT WITH ITS FIRST ANNUAL
SEX ISSUE, FEATURING CURATED EROTIC MERCHANDISE FOR YOUR BEST
LIFE, INCLUDING SEX TOYS. (LAUGHTER)
FINALLY A PLACE TO FIND SEX TOYS ON THE INTERNET! (LAUGHTER)
THE ISSUE WAS LOADED WITH SENSUAL MERCHANDISE GUARANTEED
TO SHOCK YOUR PRUDISH AUNT. ESPECIALLY IF SHE’S ALSO YOUR
ACCOUNTANT. FOR INSTANCE, GOOP RECOMMENDED
THIS SEX WHIP THAT SELLS FOR $535. BECAUSE, IF YOU’RE WILLING TO
PAY $535 FOR A WHIP, YOU’RE CLEARLY INTO PUNISHING YOURSELF. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) THAT’S A FINE JOKE, BUT IT DOES
IMPLY I KNOW WHAT THE MARKET RATE FOR A WHIP IS. (LAUGHTER)
I DON’T KNOW. THEY ALSO SELL THIS $15,000 GOLD
PLATED — LET’S SAY, “EXCLUSIVE MASSAGER.” (LAUGHTER)
YES, I WANT TO ASSURE EVERYONE THAT IT IS BLURRED. YOU ARE NOT GOING BLIND FROM
USING YOUR EXCLUSIVE MASSAGER. (APPLAUSE)
I WISH — I DON’T KNOW HOW — I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CONVEY TO YOU
HOW MUCH TIME AND HOW MUCH EFFORT WENT INTO FIGURING OUT
WHETHER WE COULD SHOW THIS TO YOU NOT BLURRED, OR IF WE DID
BLUR IT, HOW MUCH WE HAD TO BLUR IT, AND I ALSO — WHAT I COULD
CALL IT BEFORE WE SHOWED IT TO YOU. FOR INSTANCE, I COULD SAY PARTS
TO HAVE THE WORD THAT IT IS. FOR INSTANCE, I COULD SAY THE
WORD “DILL PICKLE.” (LAUGHTER)
AND I COULD SAY DOE, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER. (LAUGHTER)
BUT IF I, UH, IF I TRIED TO ADD THAT PICKLE TO THE DEER — CAN’T
DO THAT. LET’S JUST SAY IT RHYMES WITH
THE WORD BILBO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND IT’S THE WORD (BLEEP). (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
GOING TO BE TOTALLY (BLEEP)ED, RIGHT? TOTALLY BLEEPED. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT I SAID. I HAVE TO SAY, A GOLD SEX TOY IS
A GREAT GIFT. IT’S THE PERFECT WAY TO LET YOUR
LOVER KNOW: “I AM A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH.” ALTHOUGH IF $15,000 IS A LITTLE
STEEP, FOR AROUND $8,000, THEY ALSO OFFER A SILVER EXCLUSIVE
MASSAGER. AGAIN, IT’S BLURRED. SILVER, OF COURSE, FOR WHEN YOU
FINISH SECOND. (LAUGHTER)
THAT LOOKS LIKE NOTHING! THAT LOOKS LIKE NOTHING! THAT IS LIKE A TOPOGRAPHICKICLE
MAP OF NEW ZEALAND! (LAUGHTER)
WHAT IS THAT? THAT DOESN’T EVEN LOOK SILVER. ANYWAY, IT IS IN THERE. NOW KEEP IN MIND THAT SILVER
TARNISHES, SO YOU’RE GOING TO NEED TO POLISH IT. A LOT. (LAUGHTER)
AND REMEMBER IF YOU’RE AT A FORMAL ORGY, THE SILVER MASSAGER
GOES ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE PLATE. BUT WARNING: DO NOT USE IF
YOU’RE A WEREWOLF. (LAUGHTER)
THE LATEST GOOP ISSUE ALSO TAKES YOU INSIDE L.A.’S EROTIC THEATER
“SNCTM.” YES, SNCTM. YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHERE
THEY PUT THE VOWELS. SNCTM IS AN EYES WIDE SHUT-LIKE
MONTHLY MASQUERADE IN AN L.A.-AREA MANSION THAT WARNS,
“WHILE WOMEN CAN BUY A TICKET, MEN CANNOT ATTEND UNLESS THEY’RE
MEMBERS, PART OF A COUPLE, OR RESERVE DINNER.” THAT’S RIGHT. YOU MAY ONLY ENTER IF YOU’VE
MADE RESERVATIONS, WHICH MEANS THIS SEX CLUB IS AS EXCLUSIVE AS
A PONDEROSA. BUT GOOP ISN’T THE ONLY
LIFESTYLE BRAND FEELING SEXY THIS SUMMER. I’M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY
LIFESTYLE BRAND COVETTON HOUSE IS CELEBRATING OUR SEXUAL
AWAKENING WITH COVETTON AFTER DARK. ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪ COVETTEN HOUSE… AFTER DARK ♪
OF COURSE, LUXURY PERSONAL MASSAGERS ARE ALL THE RAGE. COVETTON TAKES IT ONE STEP
FURTHER WITH OUR GOLD-PLATED PERSONAL MASSEUR. (LAUGHTER)
DIDN’T HAVE TO BLUR IT FOR SOME REASON. IT’S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH C3PO. (LAUGHTER)
AND WHY NOT COMBINE DINNER AND DESSERT INTO ONE SEXUAL
EXPERIENCE WITH THE MEATBALL GAG, FEATURING GRASS-FED BEEF
AND ORGANIC MARINARA. ONE BITE AND YOU’LL BE SAYING… SOMETHING, I WON’T UNDERSTAND
IT. AGAIN, DIDN’T HAVE TO BLUR IT
FOR SOME REASON. FOR THE ECO-FRIENDLY
SEX-THUSIASTS, COVETTON IS PROUD TO OFFER AN ARTISANAL RECLAIMED
WOODEN SEX TOY MADE FROM THE SIDE OF A BARN. YOU’LL SCREAM– FROM EITHER
PLEASURE OR SPLINTERS. EITHER WAY, YOU’RE GETTING WOOD. SO GET COVETTON’S 2016 SEX LINE
OR SUFFER THE EMBARRASSMENT OF HAVING LAST-YEAR’S ORGASMS.

100 thoughts on “Stephen’s Lifestyle Brand Gets Sexy

  1. So he can say orgasm but not dildo? Who makes these rules and how do they choose which words are dirty?

  2. i believe that in the beginning this golden massager  used to be an exclusive product for Donald Trump

  3. Very nice, Stephen: but did you clear your brand logo with the centaur community?

    Not all of us are exclusively about sex: we have wine aficionados, archery enthusiasts, educational experts, etc….

    (OK, OK: a lot of the studs keep talking about banging Human women, but that's just tack room talk: nothing serious). [email protected]=Q

  4. OMG. I'm going to send this link to the Fantasy Makers and all our friends. You will hear echoes of howling laughter clear to the MOON… Thanks for your "roast" of our culture of shame and blame and fear and isolation…from a delighted green-haired little-old-lady! Here's to toy polishing the whole world round!

  5. Darn it. I didn't get the word. Is it Elbow ? Pillow ? Elmo ? Somebody please tell me the word, i am dying.

  6. Yoo stop complaining about the censor ship.. Did you come here to see dildos?? If you want to see some wein go online damn..

  7. Isn't it sad that in the so-called 'land of the free' you can't even say the word 'dildo' on air, but in most of the developed world it's not even controversial?

  8. Gwenith Paltrow is scum, and the FCC is full of a bunch of idiots. Also, a simple search will find theses at a few thousand less from fantasticvibes.com. saved ya some money!

  9. Steven missed this fun comment on the Goop website for the gold dildo:
    " INEZ is far better than expected I didn't know what to expect from INEZ. But what I received was so much
    better than any expectations. I used INEZ with the Goop recommended Yam
    lube and tried it anally before anything else. It was so wonderful.
    Thanks you. It's still in."
    It's still in??????? and she felt like typing a thank you to Goop before finishing?

  10. real funny and fucking pathetic a guy can't say 'Dildo' on his own television show. fucking worthless censorship douchebags

  11. Honestly I love the censors just because it encourages a lot of very creative ways to go around it. This video won't be nearly as long or funny if he just showed the picture and said the word.

  12. "It rhymes with 'Bilbo'!"
    Well sh*t…that's just ruined 'The Lord Of The Rings' for me now! 
    I'll never be able to watch the trilogy in the same way ever again!

  13. Came back to this bit again years later: you know, if you look up the Goop dildos, the don't even look that much like dicks.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *